Why I Can't Write a Novel

I think this will give you a good idea of why I can't write a novel, not yet, maybe some day, but not now. I think this could be an ok analogy or metaphor but probably not.

For Martha.

George Washington is a double influence for my head. She, whom I thought was a he when I found her, was thinking about eating something that looked like a dead animal in a parking lot but turned out to be a plastic garbage bag, mangled horribly. You see, George Washington (the one that was president) was my childhood hero. It wasn't just the cherry tree and the I cannot tell a lie. That was bullshit. I'm talking about how George Washington was a great American leader, patriot, and someone who didn't really want to do anything but still did it anyway. He didn't want to necessarily be president, and I, too, could identify with this sentiment when I was growing up. The last thing I wanted to do was be president, but you know what? George looked around at all the old guys who had been busy writing and arguing and bitching over the Constitution and George said to himself, None of these guys will do a good job. None of them will actually do what they're supposed to do. Shit, why do I have to be the best? And so he said, Sure guys, I'll be the president.

So after the first four years, they still didn't have nobody who would be a good president so they said, Hey, George, would you be our president again? And George was like, Shit. But eventually they got him some pretty clean bitches, and he said, Whatevuh, guys, as long as I get the bitches. So that's how George Washington became our president again. This guy had the chance to chill in his Virgin home with his main bitch Martha for the rest of his life, not doing shit, but he stood tall and made sure this new paradise of a country got off to a good start so pimps and their hoes could be safe for centuries to come.

I mean George was just the most stand up guy there could be back in those old times. Towards the end of this life he said, Fuck wigs, because wigs were fucking hot and itchy. He shouted, Fuck wigs. They're too fucking hot and itchy. Why the fuck do we wear wigs when it's fucking 90 degrees up in here and no damn AC? And that is why we do not have to wear wigs today. Because of motherfucking George Washington.

All right, so I was telling you earlier about my dog George Washington. She is my bitch, but not in that way you sick fuck. No, she is so damn loyal, just like George was back in the day. My bitch (but not that kind of bitch) has got my back. She represents, for sure. I wanted to write about her and tell the world that it don't take some tall dude in a powered wig to change someones life for the better, though as I said, George Washington said, Fuck wigs. And my bitch George Washington, she said, Fuck trash. Of course, she didn't really say anything, but she was smelling that plastic garbage bag in that parking lot that looked a hell of a lot like a dead animal and said, Nah, fuck that. Right then and there I knew I had a new best friend. But what I also realized is that this parking lot was fucking dirty as fuck. So what I did was pick up all the trash and throw it away. I was thinking that if someone came to my room and started throwing trash on my floor, I'd be all up in their face. I'd throw their ass out of my room. That shit is not cool. I hope you all agree. Pardon me being on my soapbox.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone should go out and pick up a random stray dog. No, I did that, but I got the dog some shots, and it said, Thank you. I love you. And I said, I love you, too, George. I know that sounds weird, but it's what I said. George Washington not only inspires me, she also keeps me company. When I'm in my room, she's there too, resting her golden head on my lap and sometimes she looks up at me with those huge brown eyes, and it looks like she's actually smiling. She taught me that animals can have some serious emotions. Sometimes she's stubborn, sometimes she's loving, like when she's resting on my lap looking up and smiling at me, and sometimes she's really happy. When she's really happy she jumps all around and gets me off my ass so that I get some fresh air, air that is made fresher because I've been going around and picking up trash when I take her for walks. George Washington is a great leader, she leads me straight to all the trash be it a plastic garbage bag that looks a hell of a lot like a dead animal at first or beer bottles filled with cigarette butts. Sometimes I even find some used condoms, which is just sick. If someone came in my room, like literally came in my room in a sexual fashion and it wasn't me, and they just left their mess there on my floor, if that happened, I would freak the fuck out. But apparently the floor of my room is not a parking lot or the side of the road or a playground with swing-sets and merry-go-rounds.

Sorry about the rant there, but you see, this is what happens because of my dog George Washington. She gets me wanting to actually do stuff even if I don't want to do anything. She is like the OG George Washington because she has also been a big influence in my life and how I live my life. I think that's basically what I wanted to say. I also want to thank a Mr. Jason Compsin for proofreading this here entry for me. Thanks, man.