You're born and you're red.
You're dead and you're blue.
You're green at 19
and gray at 22.
Let's go skating on the interstate
to a place far, far away
where we won't need crutches
and won't feel any weight.
* * *
The General's disposition was plainly apathetic,
a invisible disease pumping through his blood stream.
The caffeine, the yellow teeth that eat
aged and peppered meats from Argentina.
The general disposition of his opposition:
attentive with patient impatience that can't take
the cable TV, the lack of intellect, the lack of Internet,
and the lack alcohol to make them apathetic.
* * *
The beginning was the end of everything now.
The ape regards his tail; hes stuck on it,
repeats until he fails, half a goon and half a god.
A man's not made of steel.
A man is real, that's how he feels.
But who is a man in the 21st?
Does he have a blind thirst
for all that the censors conceal?
Or will he love his brother
as he loves his god
and not screw either of them
into another pyramid fraud?
* * *
Where there's smoke there's fire,
and we're sure to get higher.
But who cares? We might as well.
We're not even going to hell.
* * *
I'm not preaching one way or another.
I'm preaching to my sister's and brothers.
If we worry too much about our future prosperity,
we may not have much to give our posterity.
* * *
Maybe it's a little rude to apologize,
but our eyes are of unforgiving size,
bloodshot and irritated to hell,
but if we squint real hard we can see ourselves
through our mirrors and our fears as it sears
the chords to our cries,
"Let us live! Let us die!"
If we give up now, we can survive;
if we give in now we can all save our hides--
if we haven't already.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Kyle's Self Evaluation
I'm struggling with finding a drive. I'm learning a lot about myself and how I work. I don't work a lot, not at one thing, and usually not for an extended period of time. And I don't have a job. I can't imagine doing something for a long time. I have too many interests. Maybe. Reading, writing, music, poker, geography, sports.
1. I haven't read a book in over a month. I can't remember the last time I went a month without reading a book. Maybe middle school.
2. I'll write here and there. Maybe try some lyrics here and there. I wrote a post for this blog the day before Christmas, but I felt it was too emotional to put on the Internet. I really feel like I've been too emotional to write anything good lately. Good job, Kyle, don't even try.
3. I can't think of many things that make me feel better than music. I've had a bass since I was in middle school, but I'm mediocre at best. I've put a considerable amount of time into playing guitar since about November of 2006. I have callouses on the tips of this fingers on my left hand. I really, really want to own a drum set and play everyday, but my family doesn't want the noise and none of my friends want to hear that noise either. I've considered getting a drum set anyway and driving out in the country and playing for the corn and soybean fields. I'm a vocalist in a band, and I've been having more fun with it than ever, but more and more I want to play an instrument in a band, too. I've been feeling really musical today, but I get frustrated that my hands can't play the music that I hear in my head.
4. Most of the time I really love playing poker. But I wonder where I would be if I had spent the time writing instead of playing poker; I wonder if I would have had a book published by now. I've been playing online for a good three years now. I'm a smart guy, but a lot of smart guys who are playing poker for as long as I have make a lot more money than I do. Poker is really just a hobby of mine that I can make maybe $500 a month doing right now. Professionally I'd have to play 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I just can't do that. If I have a bad session, I get too frustrated and just stop (well, it's an improvement over tilting away half my bankroll). If I have a good start to my session, I want to stop and sit on my winnings. I have more discipline than I ever have, but it's still not enough. I need more even discipline in the rest of my life.
5. One of my first interests was learning all of the State Capitals and where all of the states are located. I then graduated to learning all of the World Capitals and where all the countries of the world are located. I would spend hours looking at maps in various atlases I owned. I still love looking at maps. I would love to follow US highways on maps from one corner of the country to the other. I still enjoy doing this. I learned in college that geography is more about the study of plate tectonics and the strata of the earth and how lakes were formed by the receding glaciers. Are there still cartographers needed out there? Or did GoogleEarth put an end to that profession?
6. I have loved sports since about 1991 when I was about 7 years old. It started with the Bulls and Michael Jordan and Andre Dawson and the Chicago Cubs. If I'm watching TV, 75% of the time I'm watching sports of some kind or ESPN. I'm one of those people who will watch the five or six SportCenters they show on weekday mornings, the ones that are all the same. A lot of friends that I have made in the last couple of years, though, are surprised to hear how much I love sports. I can talk about music and books and philosophy and all of these other more sophisticated things with them and never mention sports for a long time, and one day after they've known me for a few months, they see me watching a Bulls game or with a Chicago Cubs related away message on AIM. Oh, I didn't know you liked sports, Kyle. (It always sounds like a question.) Sometimes I wonder why I love watching a bunch of grown men play games for millions of dollars and get so worked up over it that I cried when the Cubs clinched their playoff birth this last season. Who does that?
Going through most of my early schooling, I performed best in math and science (Okay, I got straight A's in everything, but I enjoyed math more than anything else . . . besides geography, but what job can you get studying maps of the world all day long because I love knowing where everything is in the world?) I got burnt out on Calculus, Physics AP, and Chemistry AP my senior year of high school and really began enjoying my English AP class. I spent one period aiding for an English teacher and talking to another English teacher who had a plan period. I now have a degree in English from Purdue and no idea what to do with it. I really love 20th Century Literature and EcoCritism, but I got burnt out and didn't want to do any work my last semester. I took some good advice and decided to take some time off, see the world, experience something other than school, get a different kind of education.
What did I do? I have been living with my parents again since I graduated in May. I said I'd start looking for a job in October. October passed. I said I'd get a job in December. It's now January. I have put in one (1) application (at 3 Floyds). I fell in love over the summer and felt more optimistic, more happy, and more content than I ever had. My heart was broken by the beginning of winter, and I think I'm even more optimistic. But I have my legs stuck in the mud or my wheels spinning; no analogy sounds correct. I have all of these things that I want to do, but no idea where/what to do. It's a mass collection of ideas that have gathered in my head (my head is often cluttered enough as it is).
Should I go away for a little while? I don't think I can leave my parents. We have a relationship unlike any other son/parents that I know. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to have stricter parents who wouldn't have let me come home after college, or would have at least kicked me out by the end of the year (two weeks ago). I also have some really good friends that I don't want to leave. I'm sure I could make friends elsewhere, but that is a daunting, scary task. But, no, I need more self-motivation. I need more drive (not just regular drive). I need a direction, some angle to shoot for, some kind of target; I don't like this analogy.
I could move somewhere, maybe somewhere quite random or maybe somewhere like Vegas, find a random roommate because I can't live alone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to live alone again. I lived alone for three years of my life while at Purdue. I mostly blame that for going to my only counseling session ever. I'm home alone right now, and I really don't feel comfortable at all.
1. I haven't read a book in over a month. I can't remember the last time I went a month without reading a book. Maybe middle school.
2. I'll write here and there. Maybe try some lyrics here and there. I wrote a post for this blog the day before Christmas, but I felt it was too emotional to put on the Internet. I really feel like I've been too emotional to write anything good lately. Good job, Kyle, don't even try.
3. I can't think of many things that make me feel better than music. I've had a bass since I was in middle school, but I'm mediocre at best. I've put a considerable amount of time into playing guitar since about November of 2006. I have callouses on the tips of this fingers on my left hand. I really, really want to own a drum set and play everyday, but my family doesn't want the noise and none of my friends want to hear that noise either. I've considered getting a drum set anyway and driving out in the country and playing for the corn and soybean fields. I'm a vocalist in a band, and I've been having more fun with it than ever, but more and more I want to play an instrument in a band, too. I've been feeling really musical today, but I get frustrated that my hands can't play the music that I hear in my head.
4. Most of the time I really love playing poker. But I wonder where I would be if I had spent the time writing instead of playing poker; I wonder if I would have had a book published by now. I've been playing online for a good three years now. I'm a smart guy, but a lot of smart guys who are playing poker for as long as I have make a lot more money than I do. Poker is really just a hobby of mine that I can make maybe $500 a month doing right now. Professionally I'd have to play 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I just can't do that. If I have a bad session, I get too frustrated and just stop (well, it's an improvement over tilting away half my bankroll). If I have a good start to my session, I want to stop and sit on my winnings. I have more discipline than I ever have, but it's still not enough. I need more even discipline in the rest of my life.
5. One of my first interests was learning all of the State Capitals and where all of the states are located. I then graduated to learning all of the World Capitals and where all the countries of the world are located. I would spend hours looking at maps in various atlases I owned. I still love looking at maps. I would love to follow US highways on maps from one corner of the country to the other. I still enjoy doing this. I learned in college that geography is more about the study of plate tectonics and the strata of the earth and how lakes were formed by the receding glaciers. Are there still cartographers needed out there? Or did GoogleEarth put an end to that profession?
6. I have loved sports since about 1991 when I was about 7 years old. It started with the Bulls and Michael Jordan and Andre Dawson and the Chicago Cubs. If I'm watching TV, 75% of the time I'm watching sports of some kind or ESPN. I'm one of those people who will watch the five or six SportCenters they show on weekday mornings, the ones that are all the same. A lot of friends that I have made in the last couple of years, though, are surprised to hear how much I love sports. I can talk about music and books and philosophy and all of these other more sophisticated things with them and never mention sports for a long time, and one day after they've known me for a few months, they see me watching a Bulls game or with a Chicago Cubs related away message on AIM. Oh, I didn't know you liked sports, Kyle. (It always sounds like a question.) Sometimes I wonder why I love watching a bunch of grown men play games for millions of dollars and get so worked up over it that I cried when the Cubs clinched their playoff birth this last season. Who does that?
Going through most of my early schooling, I performed best in math and science (Okay, I got straight A's in everything, but I enjoyed math more than anything else . . . besides geography, but what job can you get studying maps of the world all day long because I love knowing where everything is in the world?) I got burnt out on Calculus, Physics AP, and Chemistry AP my senior year of high school and really began enjoying my English AP class. I spent one period aiding for an English teacher and talking to another English teacher who had a plan period. I now have a degree in English from Purdue and no idea what to do with it. I really love 20th Century Literature and EcoCritism, but I got burnt out and didn't want to do any work my last semester. I took some good advice and decided to take some time off, see the world, experience something other than school, get a different kind of education.
What did I do? I have been living with my parents again since I graduated in May. I said I'd start looking for a job in October. October passed. I said I'd get a job in December. It's now January. I have put in one (1) application (at 3 Floyds). I fell in love over the summer and felt more optimistic, more happy, and more content than I ever had. My heart was broken by the beginning of winter, and I think I'm even more optimistic. But I have my legs stuck in the mud or my wheels spinning; no analogy sounds correct. I have all of these things that I want to do, but no idea where/what to do. It's a mass collection of ideas that have gathered in my head (my head is often cluttered enough as it is).
Should I go away for a little while? I don't think I can leave my parents. We have a relationship unlike any other son/parents that I know. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to have stricter parents who wouldn't have let me come home after college, or would have at least kicked me out by the end of the year (two weeks ago). I also have some really good friends that I don't want to leave. I'm sure I could make friends elsewhere, but that is a daunting, scary task. But, no, I need more self-motivation. I need more drive (not just regular drive). I need a direction, some angle to shoot for, some kind of target; I don't like this analogy.
I could move somewhere, maybe somewhere quite random or maybe somewhere like Vegas, find a random roommate because I can't live alone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to live alone again. I lived alone for three years of my life while at Purdue. I mostly blame that for going to my only counseling session ever. I'm home alone right now, and I really don't feel comfortable at all.
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